Betrothal
The Biblical source for the laws of marriage are derived from this week’s Torah portion. The Talmud explains that there are three ways to betroth a woman:
A woman is acquired by, i.e., becomes betrothed to, a man to be his wife in three ways, and she acquires herself, i.e., she terminates her marriage, in two ways. She is acquired through money, through a document, and through marital relations.
Jewish law may appear to be technical and legalistic, yet, upon deeper reflection we discover that the nuances of the law express Judaism’s philosophical and spiritual perspective on a given subject. Judaism’s perspective and insight into the profound meaning, beauty, romance and mystery of marriage can be discovered by exploring the meaning behind the seemingly technical details of the law.
There are three ways to betroth a woman, not merely because the Torah would like to give us more options on how to create the legal state of marriage, but rather because marriage has three dimensions or layers. Each of the three methods of betrothal express one of the three dimensions of the relationship.
[To be sure, one of the methods of betrothal suffice to usher in all three dimensions of the marriage. In fact, the rabbis prohibited betrothal through intimacy, and it has become the universal custom to betroth through a form of money. Yet, the law offers three forms of betrothal to teach us to be aware of all three dimensions that can be initiated by any one of these three forms of betrothal.]
The first form of betrothal is betrothal through money, where the groom gives the bride something of monetary value. Money is tangible and physical. Money represents the physical aspects of the relationship. The couple will live under the same roof, eat dinner together, have a joint bank account and file a joint tax return. They will spend time together and enjoy each other's company. Yet, whilst it is important, the physical aspect of the relationship is not all there is to marriage.
The second form of betrothal is through writing a legal document. The document itself does not have to have any monetary value. The document’s value is abstract and intangible. The document represents the spiritual aspect of the marriage. The relationship is not merely an arrangement encompassing the physical aspects of life, but rather the relationship includes the spiritual dimension as well. They will share ideas with each other, enjoy each others wit, wisdom and point of view.
Betrothal by document reminds us that marriage is more than just sharing together, marriage is about creating a bond between two souls (or, as the mystics say: reuniting two halves of the same soul).The document represents the soul connection that is established (or reestablished) through marriage.
The third form of betrothal, marital intimacy, represents the ultimate goal of marriage. In Judaism, intimacy in the context of a sacred marriage is considered a holy experience for it is a fusion of both body and soul. It is when the first two dimensions of marriage, the physical unity and the spiritual unity merge. The physical union expresses the deepest spiritual bond.
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The marriage of man and woman is a reflection and mirror image of the spiritual marriage between G-d, the groom, and the Jewish people, the bride. Perhaps we can add that our relationship with G-d is also expressed in these three forms of betrothal: 1) betrothal by money: G-d blesses us with our physical life, health, and necessities, allowing us to enjoy our physical life on earth 2) betrothal by document: we enjoy a spiritual connection with G-d, by studying his document, his Torah, which contains the mysteries of his deepest thoughts 3) betrothal by intimacy: the ultimate expression of our connection with G-d is through performing a Mitzvah. For the physical act of the commandment is an act of intimacy with G-d, whereby our body and soul become one with his infinity.
(Adapted from Binyan Adei Ad, by Rabbi Yosef Karasik)